Sometime we can take ourselves a little to seriously and sometime we have to remind ourselves that as pagans, witches, Wiccan and druids etc spend our life in the service of a happy god and goddess who themselves enjoy laughter, fun and play. Every time I got to serious I always remember this ritual. I first perform this after a long period of issues with coven members, which resulted in members being removed from the circle and coven. After all the stress and silliness involved the group need to do something fun and as a way of healing the group I can remember Janet and steward Farrar mention this ritual as the where both high priest of the order of bill the cat so after finding the ritual wrote by Lady Orenda and Lady Nightwind it was performed by the coven. Not saying that the ritual will bring any spiritual insights or wisdom but it will give you a good laugh and it a bit of fun so enjoy and join the order of bill the cat *CIRCLE SETUP* Bill the Cat altar in the center of the circle or near fire pit. At the west place a partially full bottle or can of beer (the worst you can find, enough to anoint your initiates). At the north place an ashtray filled with sand. Near the altar place a spittoon (optional). *ALTAR SETUP* Bill the Cat icon, statue or image Cigarettes and lighter Lit candles Several unopened bottles or cans of beer, Mountain Dew, Jolt
Archive for Humour
I am the leader of this group And before Me all you others stoop. Bend thou, adore Me on your knees For I have HPS disease! Slowly, silently, now the moon Lights My face with its silver shoon. Call Me “Lady”, if you please, For I have HPS disease! For all you followers of the Law Versed in ancient Celtic lore, Tremble before My higher degrees, For I have HPS disease! Lions of Enoch, goats of Pan, Your magic has but little span; Know that I am greater than these, For I have HPS Disease! I am wonderful, I am good, I am everything a Goddess should. Kiss my lips, chest, groin and knees For I have HPS disease. You with mumps, diphtheria, HIV, hysteria, The earth will tremble when I sneeze, For I have HPS Disease!
Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur. Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity’s name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure. Never invoke anything bigger than your head. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight — it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness. If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you’re dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, and cab fare. Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged
A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, “Can I help you?” “Where am I?” asks the Pagan. “Beg your pardon?” the other guy asks. “You’re in Heaven, of course.” “B-but I don’t believe…” “Hmmm” (squinting his eyes) “are you one of them Pagan folk?” the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste. “Yes, I am… I believe I’m in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?” our Pagan friend asks. “It’s been ‘temporarily’ shut down for repairs,” the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, “ever since we took over…err…I mean… since the people found their way to the true path.” “Whatever,” says the Pagan, “What do I do now?” “I’m sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here.” “WHAT? Hell? But I don’t believe in Hell!” “Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left.” So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. “Hmm, so far so good.” A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. “Can I help you?” “SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don’t you?” “Ahem… a little too late for that, isn’t it?” the guy said with a smile.
I’m a Wiccan-Shaman-Druid, I am new age through and through. Decked in crystals from my head to toe, With feathers and pyramids, too. My spirit-guide is from Atlantis. He’s a Zen-Aztec guru. Come and spend the weekend with us, For two thousand dollars You’ll be a Wiccan-Shaman too. I’m an Elvis-Loki-Viking. I channel Ashley Montague. In a former life I was a gypsy clerk, Bull fighter, and troubadour, too. I know five Illuminati, They’re a strange and motley crew. There’s a priest from ancient China, He lives in my basement. He is an Elvis-Viking too. My coven is part Rosicrucian, Mixed with some Theosophy. Add in some stuff from the Golden Dawn, `Cause Crowley’s just all right with me. I’ve got twelve initiations, I’ve seen all there is too see. And watch out for those strange Co-Mason-Santaria-Druids, They’ll cement your chickens to a tree. I’ve got a pipe ceremony, Adapted from the O.T.O. I use a sweatlodge for my Beltane rites, The Maypole is just there for show. I have got a glass athame, With batteries to make it glow. It’s just great for calling quarters In my new tradition: The Lynn Andrews-Buckland-Starhawk Grove. (Tune: I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy) Cyber Cauldron Shop Mystical Talismans and Amulets, Mjöllnir, Thor’s Hammer and related products Freya Hand Fasting & Ceremony Tiara £19.99 More Info Wolf’s Hammer for Strength & Virility £9.99 More Info Thor’s Hammer for Protection and Success £5.99 More Info Thors Hammer for Personal and Psychic Protection £13.00 More Info Thor’s Hammer – Courage
From: God/dess ——————————————————————————– To: Our Children of Earth Re: Idiotic Religious Rivalries Dear Children (and believe us, that’s all of you), We consider ourselves pretty patient folks. For instance, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right. And about evolution? Boy, nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to take place, cell by cell, and gene by gene. We’ve been patient through your fashions, civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways you take Us for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again. We want to let you know about some of the things that are starting to tick Us off. First of all, your religious rivalries are driving Us up a wall. Enough already! Let’s get one thing straight: These are YOUR religions, not Ours. We’re the whole enchilada; We’re beyond them all. Every one of your religions claims there is only one of Us (which by the way, is absolutely true). But in the very next breath, each religion claims it’s Our favorite one. And each claims it’s scriptures were written personally by Us, and that all the other scriptures are man-made. Oy Vey. How do We even begin to put a stop to such complicated nonsense? Okay, listen up now. We’re your Father AND Mother, and We don’t play favorites among Our children. Also, We hate to break it to you, but We don’t write. Our longhand is awful and We’ve always been more of “doers” anyway. So ALL of
Christians freezing by an open fire… Jack Frost nipping at their toes… Yule tide carols being sung by a choir And we’re dressed up not just for show.. All us pagans know the Yule log and some misletoe Helps to make our Solstice bright Like tiny tots with their eyes all aglow We’ll find it hard to sleep tonight! We know the Sun is on His way He’s bringing warmnth and light For all of Spring to stay And every Christian child is gonna cry They see that reindeer really don’t know how to fly… And so I’m offering this simple phrase So many years it has rung true… Although its been said, many times many ways… Merry Solstice to you. An origional Parody of The Christmas Song Azelma RoseWillow Related articles Christmas Yule Log Cake (portofcopenhagenfinefoods.wordpress.com) Dumb Stuff Christmas Party (buydumbstuff.wordpress.com) What is a Pagan and Paganism? (cybercauldron.co.uk) Pagan Family, USA (cybercauldron.co.uk)
You may be a TechnoPagan if… If your athame has a SCSI interface… If your OBE’s begin with a netsplit… If your priest robes conceal a pocket protector… If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows ‘XP / Vista or 7… If your altar has a keyboard… If drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test)… If you call the Watch Towers on your cell-tell… If you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be… If you don’t call it a ritual, you call it a Macro… If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del… If you have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun… If you invite the God and Goddess to come online… If you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups)… If you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF… If you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming… If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group… If your candles have batteries… If your cauldron is a crock-pot… If your deities include Murphy and Gates… If your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)… If your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight)… If your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby… If your incense is by Glade… If your magic wand is a light pen… If your magical name, email address, and online name are all the same… If your magical writing is done in binary code
Over the years of scouring the Internet looking for information I would often come across something that would tickle me this is one such piece by Faerie K, which I found somewhere, can’t remember source about 10 years ago. It always reminds me that there is still so much silliness attached to being a pagan or a witch that we should not ignore it but find the fun in it… Hope you enjoy Keeping Summoned Beings as Pets is a Bad Idea… They may be cute and cuddly when they’re little, but they tend to grow. Fast. To something large. You can’t flush your overgrown summoned pet down the toilet and no pound will take one. (Trust me on this one. ) Unless you spay or neuter them, they will breed, quickly. Good luck trying to find a vet that will spay or neuter one… The feeding costs are astronomical. New Age shops are very expensive. Oh, sorry, I meant “astrological”. An exotic summoned pet is very difficult to feed. Museums start suspecting your interests in ancient cultures rather quickly. Getting them used to gourmet food is a bad idea: there aren’t that many virgins around, you see! Cats sitting on the chest of a sleeping child sucking their life-force out may be a myth. With summoned pets, it isn’t. No insurance will cover it if your summoned pet bites your guests. They may even eat your guests while you pop into the kitchen for tea. When they nibble your toes on Sunday morning, it
Materials required: On the altar there are brown candles; a Tootsie Roll (the great big one – as the athame;) a large glass with milk in it, (the chalice;) A small dish of Nestle’s Quik and a spoon; a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE: (Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles) Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last. Let no fat adhere to me, And as I will So Mote It BE! Nestle’s Quik where thou art cast Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let all good things come to me, And make my milk all chocolatey! CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll): CALL THE QUARTERS: Mousse of the East, Fluffy one! Great prince of the palace of dessert. Be present, we pray thee, And guard this circle from all moochers Approaching from the East. Fondue of the South, Molten One! Great prince of the palace of decadence. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all diets Approaching from the south. Cocoa of the west, Satisfying One! Great prince of the palace of thirst. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all carob Approaching from the West. Rocky Road of the North, Cold one! Great prince of the palace of crunchy. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all cheap imitations Approaching from the North. MAIN RITUAL: HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss): Listen